BE YOUR OWN VOICE

Monday , May 31st 2021 I attempted to end my life , if it wasn’t for the hikers who found me 20 more seconds I wouldn’t be writting this right now. I have been debating whether or not I should share this with everyone because let’s be honest, this is RAW. Nobody likes to talk about suicide. Even those who are suffering with suicidal thoughts or have suicidal ideation I’m forcing myself to share this so I can possibly help someone else. I am still alive and I know my purpose now.

It’s been 1,197 days I tried to take my own life. A lot can happen in since that day and to this day I fight the negative thoughts even if I am happy and smiling. . I have felt so many emotions, I have met so many new people.

There comes a moment where everything catches back up with you and you shutdown. You push people away. You lock yourself in your room for 4 days straight while driving yourself crazy with your own thoughts. You start to think “what’s the point of trying anymore” why the hell am I still. we all need to realize that not everyone is going to have the same out look on live meaning, mental health stuff going on at work honestly anything that is going on everyone’s life.

No one feels the same way that a different person deals with there emotions and sucidal thoughts or sucidal ideations. yes everyone can have anixety desperation and lastly they could go through similar post traumatic sitituions but every human being deals with it in a different way and that day.

That day I tried to take my own life was a big shock to me cause I am lucky enough not to be brain dead or paralyzed because I hung my self up in the mountains and took a lot of medicine. the result of my attempt I cause a minor stroke in my neck that to this day I still have problems with. I take that pain I feel physically and remind my self of that day I thought that was the answer but it truly wasn’t the answer because there is a reason to this day why I am still breathing an talking and most important I am walking.

I know its hard to open up to someone physical aspect but I know that these days people use there phones more so. you can download an app called SAFEUT. you can talk to a social worker and just vent about your day even if your not suicidal just need to vent and have a break for couple mins or how ever long you need. or you can call the hotline 988 and they will help you in everyday possible for your needs.

you can always reach out to me by email brook0027@gmail.com and I will help you the best I can I know from personal experience talking to someone who has struggled and personally been on the other side of the motions helps me and maybe I can be your advocate cause its sometimes hard to find your own voice and stand up for your self. for hell sakes its taken since I was 13 years old to build up the courage to use my voice and stand tall and be heard and not back down cause those are my emotions an feelings and struggles and trails.

xoxo-brooklyn

Panic pulled her under the water depression held her deeper an deeper under the water until her lungs were on fire her vision was filled with black she was drowning she was fighting to not drown but her fighting made her panic even more it was strange and unexpected but SHE LIVED. A because she didnt give up even though she didnt have the strength to she realized that there is a purpose for her even though it didnt feel like it at the time. even though her lungs were on fire she took that pain she was feeling emotionally and physically she put her hand over her wrist and could feel her strong heart beak even though she thought she wasn’t going to survive. every other beat of heart beat she tried to push harder even though she was so exhausted because she knew once the panic was over she would finally breath again and not feel the fire in her lungs. she kept telling her self these feelings and emotions were only temporary she may feel them again but every time she experienced them it was different every time and she used that strength and knowledge to keep her above water every time she felt like the panic would just drown her and there was no way out. But that’s where she was wrong cause she challenged her black and white thinking errors. Its truly okay to feel like your deafted and your never going to come out of the panic that’s what makes her emotionally mentally and physically stroneger but there’s no time limit to fight this in her mind. she is in control and it has taken her 13 years to build of the courage to fight it all. DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. This girl is me and im making adjustments every second and hour of the day to improve my self.

xoxo-brooklyn

The past few months I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not I should start blogging again, and every time the thought came to my head I had a feeling I needed to get back at it. So I am back to give this another go, I have felt so out of place and so lost this past little while. well actually a year or so or even longer. And this was my one place to go to express myself,  heal and help others through similar personal experience’s. And I am back with no going back to the past but going onward , I started this blog to help others and to grow and heal along side of you. And recently I had someone very close to me come to me for help. It broke my heart hearing them express some of the things that they were feeling. But it also gave me comfort in knowing they felt like I was a safe place to go. And sometimes that’s all someone needs is a safe place, where they can express how they are feeling without judgemment, someone to open their heart and ears to them. SO hopefully by me being vulnerable about my life an my choices and struggles. others that are reading this can use this as a safe place or somewhere to find peace and insight in there hecktic day to day lifes. To be honest everybody has shitty days an emotions good or bad so be vulnerable with me an let your voice be heart you write your own story not any body else.

life challenges aren’t suppose to paralyze you they’re suppose to help discover who you really are. 

The past week I have been thinking about my past trials an how I thought I would always be paralyzed an stuck in the past but. I’m not paralyzed granted I still have bumps in the road that makes me feel like I am but I can move every muscle and joint and bone in my body. I had a doctor once tell me that when you’re on so much medicine that your brain plays tricks on you that it has to rely on the medicine when in reality the best medicine is when you know that you can say to your self that you need to. I need to take 5 second and breath and say I’m okay.

“Stephen hawking”- stated when he was asked about his disability he states that the victim should have the right to end his or her life, if he wants but I think it would be a great mistake however bad life may seem there is always something you can do and succeed at. He also compared black holes to depression making it clear that neither of the black whole or depression are impossible to escape. Black holes aren’t as black as they’re painted they’re not the external an internal prisons they were once though. Emotions thoughts or anything can get out of a black hole both on the outside and possibly to another universe. so if you feel you are in a black hole don’t give up find new ways to get out.

Personally I have been in a black hole and I thought to my self how am I supose to get my self out of this. physically and mentally where do I even begin there’s so many mixed emotions and feelings. one thing I have learned is you can’t freak out and lose your mind because. That does the opposite effect it makes he black hole even bigger. so take 5 seconds and breath in. As you breathe in focus on your breathing. Put one had on your chest and other hand on your stomach and feel how when you’re breathing. The diaphragm going in an out slow and holding it in for 5 seconds then breathing it out for 10 seconds. by doing this you come more aware of your body and aren’t so paralyze and you climb your way out of the black hole.

xoxo-brooklyn

.

Being told you are strong can be deceiving at times because sometimes people don’t know what you’re going through. People ask me how am I able to do what I do, How are you surviving? How do you have a smile on your face when things are not going good. Hell, I don’t know how to truly answer that. I never knew I could be this strong, not until I had to mentally and physically push my self. I have to fight the daily hurdles and battles. So what does being strong really mean to you?

It’s being broken, and sad, yet you have days when you’re smiling cause you’re being strong cause you don’t want to show you’re being weak. But it’s honestly okay to show the sides that your not happy and struggling cause that shows. The true strength and how strong are and how you use your voice and advocate for yourself.

It’s learning how to control your unstable thoughts and emotions and remaining as positive as possible. It is okay to be broke on the inside, for me I have endured extreme amounts of suffering. But I refuse to give up yes I have my off days where I just wanna cry and that’s okay. I learned to push all the negative thoughts to surface and alter my mindset.

It’s about how we react to challenges you’re faced with. Being strong is not easy in fact it can be very mentally and emotionally draining there are days where all I want to do is lay in bed. When I have those days I try to challenge myself to face head on, or write what’s going on in my head so I can process what’s going on. That helps me to pin point its okay not to be strong its the fact that you recognize what’s going on. that you’re growing and becoming mentally an emotionally stronger.

Hi, I’m Brooklyn and you are currently reading my first post of my blog. I started this blog because I want people who are struggling with anything in their life, to know they have a voice, and they don’t need to be scared. Hopefully with the experiences and difficulties I have endured in my life this may also be a lending hand for those who are going through something similar. Even if no one reads this, I know this will help me look back and see how far I have come while dealing with trails and struggles.

I was diagnosed with severe depression 12 years ago. I’ve also been diagnosed with anxiety, bipolar, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), pseudo seizures ( PNES), post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) , & anorexia/bulimia. It’s a constant battle,. Every day is challenging in one way or another. I had a lot of traumatic events happen to me in my past, such as mental and physical abuse, rape, death of loved ones, betrayal, & a lot of negative people and influences in my life. I was in a very dark place, and resorted to self harm, multiple suicide attempts, and alcohol; all trying to escape the pain.

overall this is not about feeling bad for myself, or having others feel bad for me. I want to use my experiences to help better the lives who are struggling that happen to come across my blog. i am always a listening ear, i will not judge you, i will always help no matter what; that being said, I created an email that is dedicated just to your responses/reach out (it is linked on the main page). I hope you can use this as a tool in your successful recovery!

xoxo – Brooklyn